Teach me to...

Teach me to love even if i don't want to...

Teach me.


Teach me to be the person i should be...

Teach me.


Teach me to seek you even in the worst times or the best times.

Teach me.


Teach me to hold everything close to my heart.

Teach me.


Teach me to forgive others even if i don't want to...

Teach me.


Teach me not to care about how others think, but to focus on what You think.

Teach me.


Teach me to care for others even if i don't want to...

Teach me.


Teach me, Lord... Teach me. :'/

Simply cause i believe in it.

my current devotional book now :)
yet i think its probably the best one i've ever had.

Too often, stress is my companion, chaos fills my schedule, and grumpiness defines my attitude.

but i pray that He'll help me to concentrate on the good things in my life.


----------------------------------------


i've just got the saddest news of all.

my ns friend broke up with my another ns friend.

u have no idea how sad i feel for what i've just listened.


i feel so heartbroken :(
as if i was the one who got dumped. =.=
but really, i thought they'll last.

like c'mon. they were my close friend in NS wei.

SOBS.

if only everything last forever :'(


SIGHHH

why don't i feel the hype?

Probably CNY is just like any other day to me now.

when i was WAY much younger, I've always been looking forward to CNY,

but now i feel like i've just grew out of it.

LOL!

Basically cause after dinner, we don't play as much as we used to as cousins anymore.
or there isn't much laughter around the house anymore. (grandma's house)

how i miss being a child sometimes...
how i miss the old times...
okay, maybe all the time. :/


le sigh.


So this new year, i'm just gonna be staying at home and yea.. :/

probably gonna go shopping alone?

mom is in johor.
2nd sis going back to pahang with her bf's family.

first sis busy with her bf's family.

ho hum. its funny how on chinese new year, my family splits up like a banana split.

but even then, i think i'm so used to it?
every year is like that so.. haha.

the only reason now i ever look forward to CNY, its definitely cause of the holidays.

and one day, if i ever get a family of my own...
this shall not repeat again...


out.

What has been running through my mind...

Well, i am finally getting the mood to blog again..

Things has been pretty messy.

To be precise, life feels like a garbage.


Everything u see, smell or feel is unpleasant.

well, before this la...


I shall pour our my heart now.


The first thing that made me feel like a trash was definitely cause

i find myself slowly drifting away from God?

I wasn't doing my devotion regularly as i normally would.
I wasn't reading my bible as frequent as i should be.

i was so caught up with what i have to deal with life, i've been abandoning my relationship with The Father....

How guilty I feel, you've no idea...

Secondly,

life in college has been driving me nuts.

So i was given this placement test on the first day of orientation.
As much as i haven't been writing ever since SPM ended, i screwed up the paper cause i didn't get into

Eng4U, the one that Hsuzen said i must get.

and yes, i was really devastated actually.

my dream of trying to even get a scholarship or even try to go overseas has been thrown into the sea.
So i heard we could apply, and i did.

i had to do an exam again to determine whether i deserve or not.
according to my teacher, i might struggle?

The expectations from my mom and fly plus with the whole idea or me wanting to try to go overseas just burns as i heard what my lecturer said. :'(

but yeah, she said i could try. and if its too hard, i can come back to the other class.
Knowing myself, i know once i've been transferred, i'm never really gonna come back?

so yeah, i just hope i don't die there. sigh....
and yes, i really need to score? :'(

Apart from that whole class placement thing, college has been such a pain.
Yes, i did make a lot of friends, but somehow its just hard to find someone u can really connect to?
I did but the cruel college made all our schedule different and all.
the weirdest part about this intake is that most of the ppl came from a same school.
so can u imagine how close they already are and i feel like a total outsider?

but things are definitely getting better each day.
people in college are so serious, i kinda dislike it a lot.

I kinda miss ppl like evelyn wong being such a total crazy girl in high school.

yes, so hard to find someone who can be as crazy as you.
and because college, everyone is so serious, i get home feeling dull.


Next, finding parking in college is a PAIN!

Driving to college every morning has its consequences u gotta endure okay.
finding parking in SUNWAY is such a backside seriously.

I hate the fact that they are trying to build the parking lot now for the new generation

and our generation gotta suffer. grrr.


so before this all my 8.30 class, i somehow am always late. not just finding parking, but the jam in the morning IS A BIG problem to me as well.
so i decided to change my schedule and my subject.
had to drop maths and take it in sem2.

i have been stuck in a jam for an hour before and i was late for class.
urgh. never wanna go through that again.

and because of all this crap, i have been becoming a beast.
I'm like so annoyed at the ppl who are annoying.

i can control if i must, but this time, i blow when i come across it.
so yeah, if i did blow, i'm sorry...

I've been losing my patience towards my mom as well.
I've been quarreling with her for almost everyday last week and it tore me apart.
there was this once, i was so mad, i nearly got myself into an accident.
yeah, that shows how much i put my emotions when i'm driving.

all these shit has just made my 2012 even worst.

to the extend i broke down a few several times in a day cause i just couldn't stand.

I was blaming God the whole time.
I was throwing all kinds of words that i shouldn't be saying.

i was just so tired of so many things.
I was telling myself how much i don't wanna go church the next day as well

cause i feel like i don't belong there anymore.

how can a christian like me turned out to be something like that...

yes, u have no idea how much i told God, i didn't wanna go church anymore

cause i don't think i belong there.

i was very disappointed at myself...
i feel ugly inside. so ugly.
I hated how i turned out to be.
I hated how i reacted towards something that hits me.

i hated myself.


but at the end of the day, i was slowly finding reasons for me to be alive.
the next day, i talked to grace and i just broke down.
i couldn't really speak properly cause i was sobbing.

i honestly feel guilty cause i wasn't being a christian that i should be.

i was in a total mess.

i needed someone to just pray for me and give me the hope to believe in myself and God again..
Thank God for Grace.

I felt a whole lot better after pouring out everything to her.

and i'm slowly walking back to God again..

sorry to those whom i lost my patience with and all.
my monthly visitor is terribly late and i'm just having a hard time with myself?

i need a break from pressuring myself with "i need to do my best in college"
i need a break from trying to fit in.
I need a break from everything.

and i will heal.

i honestly don't understand...

somethings in life i just don't understand.


i feel horrible for being who i am right now.
sigh.
yelling is so not the right way to solve anything...


i honestly hate so many things right now.
but i thank God for Grace...

poured out everything and i feel a whole lot lighter in a way.


no doubt my life still sucks, but i have to hold on and believe that

there's a Father who loves me and therefore, i have to love myself.


sigh :'/

2012 is indeed gonna be a hard year..

Praise God for a great year. :')

I'll start with what i blogged last year jan 1. :)

i made a few resolution for myself last year.
as sad as it seems, i don't think i managed to accomplish all of 'em :'(

BUT whatever it is, God's plan is always the best :)

and i honestly wanna take this time to THANK GOD SO MUCH for a wonderful 2011 

that i never expect it would be this great.

i've learned so much from 2011. so so much. :')

Praise God.


---------------------------------------------
FLASH BACK 2011!

No.1

Hsuzen leaving malaysia on the very first day.

it was such an emotional day i tell you.
we sent her off to the airport and i remember crying so much on that day.
up till now i miss her so much. :'(
She has been such a great friend.

one of my resolution was to keep in touch with her still.
Praise God that i still do :)
I just can't stop thanking God for giving me such a wonderful friend like hsuzen :')


************
No.2

at one point there were so many ppl leaving this earth.
it was quite scary to hear all the bad news around..

one of it is my Uncle's funeral. :'/


************

No.3

My very first time working outside for ppl  :)
working in KimchiHaru was great :)
although it was SUPER tiring, but i actually enjoyed working there

cause the boss there is lovely :')

oh how i miss them so much :)
they give me such a good impression on koreans :)

*********

No.4

My craziness over JB. -.-"

*********

No.5

going to the free-trial gym with James and David :)
oh how i miss those times... :')


**********

no.6

Passing my driving test and getting my license! :D
Praise be to God!

*********

No.7

hahaaaa SPM RESULTS -.-"

but yeah, Praise God for giving me an A for maths

although i didn't answer about 20 questions for paper 1.


*********

no.8

Learning how to do house chores like

cooking, cleaning and taking care of my step dad's mom. :)


**********

No.9

NATIONAL SERVICE BATCH 2 :)

to be honest, this was definitely the highlight of my year cause it was my one and only camp that i actually went.

I've met amazing friends.
gained friends that i'll never forget in my life.
moved on and start a whole fresh new interest in someone.
Learning about God's word.
more dependable on God.
stronger.

I honestly thought this camp would be nothing but a waste of time.
but now i would seriously encourage ppl to really have the chance of feeling something that not everyone have the chance to do so :)

and because of NS, i pushed college to this year.

*********

No.10

Working for fly for about almost 3 month.


********

No.11

Grace becoming my mentor :)
I honestly wanna thank God for this.

I've not just grown closer to her, but i've learned so much more about life and God.

********

No.12

Planetshakers concert!

********

Being able to see Jayesslee :))

********
no.13

trip to Logos Hope :)

*********


No.14

Choir Practice and Skit Practice!

I've definitely grown closer to the church members this year :))
and serving the Lord, is just such a nice feeling.
no not cause u get those credits at the end of the production.
but because u know everything u do, you do to bring Glory to God :))



*********

no.15

Caroling !

this experience is :')


**********

no.16

Joanna back in MALAYSIA! :))

*********

no.17

Malacca Trip with besties :)

i'm so glad we finally had a trip together :)


********

no.18

Creative Arts Practices :))

Praise God for the outcome :))


------------------------------------------

this year passed wayyy too fast seriously.
but every little thing, i'm thankful for it ;)


wanna thank all my awesome friends out there who made 2011, a ONE AWESOME YEAR ;)

Besties.
Church Friends
Ns Friends

luff you guysss !

You're my all in all.

Blessed Christmas!
haha its not too late to wish here right? :P

How was your christmas?
Mine was pretty okay.

But on Christmas, its not about me so despite whatever i feel on that day,

it was a day we should all remember the true meaning of Christmas ;)

Its not about the gifts or fancy christmas tree.. or TURKEY.

Its much more than that :P

HAHAHAHA too much of skit? :P

Christmas production was good :)

It turned out well and Thank God :)

all in all, it was great working with James lee, David tham, James lim and Alycia tan :))
I definitely had a great time practicing with them and etc. :))

and i am gonna miss this very much.
this definitely just bloomed up my december :))

Next, choir. :))

How blessed i am to be able to be a part of this choir team :)
I'm gonna miss caroling and practices after practices :))

Thank God for Kay Lyn and Ruth as well for they've been such a blessing :)
and thank the AV team for making all of this happen. :)

Praise be to God :D

Praise God that my both parents came to church on that day ;)
my step dad and my mommmmyy!

and did i tell you the bought a new car? yeap.

and did i tell you the toyota altis is officially mine? :)
All Glory be to God :)


-----------------------------------------

and i have this big question in my head...

i just wanna know so bad....

doubts comes all the time.
but yet i feel like its not the same.

YUDOINGTHISTOMELAH. :'(

SIGH.

goodbye.
the next time i post, would probably be next year.

Blessed New Year to all! *hugs*